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One of the recurring themes in my work is to help my clients heal by understanding the templates that they carry from their childhood experiences. These templates have formed as a way to make sense and to manage difficult childhood experiences. However, they become a default system of responding to the world, that is no longer helpful as a coping mechanism and instead becomes an obstacle to thriving as an adult. These templates are formed in response to the dynamics within the home that you were raised and within your wider community. Understanding these dynamics is not intended to apportion blame, but rather to recognise and intervene regarding your unhelpful responses to your current experiences.Commonly, it is both the things that you experienced (adverse childhood experiences) and the things that you didn't (childhood emotional neglect) that shape the way you live as an adult.

 

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Growing up in a volatile household - with unpredictable anger, tension or emotional dysregulation - can have a powerful effect on children, even if there was no physical abuse. Children often develop a hyper-vigilance, over-responsibility, anxiety or difficulty relaxing, fear or shame. These can show up in adulthood as difficulty trusting others, being sensitive to rejection, poor self-esteem, striving to excel and a myriad of other manifestations. These issues are often compounded if the child has experienced abuse, neglect or household dysfunction. Systemic issues within the household can add another layer of difficulty for children. This includes issues within the household of substance abuse, mental illness, domestic violence, parental separation (especially if acrimonious), poverty, incarceration, discrimination, illness or death, war, displacement or natural disasters.

 

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Childhood emotional neglect is most commonly experienced when your care-givers fail to recognise emotions in your childhood home. This is experienced as care-givers failing to notice, respond to, or validate your feelings enough in day-to-day interactions throughout your upbringing. This sends a very powerful message that your feelings don't matter or are a burden. Children may respond by minimising or numbing their feelings, acting out with anger or attention seeking, or assuming they are difficult and unworthy. These strategies may be effective in the short-term but are unhelpful in the long-term.